The Anti-Blogger

Well, despite actually getting several of my friends hooked on blogging, I seem to have dropped off the radar. I guess it is time that I addressed the silence. The thing is that I enjoy blogging, quite a bit actually, except that when I started this I vowed not to use it as a forum to gripe – no one wants to read that.

So the long and the short of it is this… It has been a hard year. I am definitely working harder now then when I was finishing my dissertation, and let me tell you it is far less rewarding. I am still waiting, as patiently as possible, to find out if I will have a job come next fall. I am generally a very patient person, sometimes I can be downright dogged, but everyone has their limits. The reality is that I just do not deal well psychologically with uncertainty. If I knew that I would be guaranteed a faculty position in one more year, I might be able to hold out. The thought of going through another school year like this one only to fail in the job search again is almost more than I can handle. Consequently, I’ve begun to ponder some serious life changes.

I find it frightening to consider leaving the field of archaeology after coming this far, but one thing not one can ever take away is the achievements I earned this far. I hate failing. When I was a kid, I wasn’t overly athletic. I hated being that kid who was not picked for the team; I hated not being able to do something and being afraid to try for fear of failing. I hated living in my own little shell. I can point to one moment in my life and say that is where I woke up and found my self-confidence. I stopped caring about being liked or disliked and I stopped being afraid of trying. Instead I developed the “You think I can’t do it, just watch me” attitude. I stopped being the timid little girl and took life by the horns. I might not have been the best as sports, but I definitely developed an aggressive, competitive streak. Much later in life, doing fieldwork in Kenya presented me with so many more challenges and fears to conquer, and I did. I think this is why I feel so miserable when thinking about accepting a career change. I feel like I am giving up – and that is something I haven’t done since I stepped out of the halls of Pomfret Community School for the last time in 1988.

Just in case you worry that “You think I can’t do it, just watch me” attitude might be disappearing – I’ve turned it something else – running. Yes, me. Running (I did a mile and a half yesterday). For those of you who know me that is pretty self-evident.